April 22, 2012

I hurt just the same as you

The whole fiasco with the KL State Drill Competition wasn't finished...

Wednesday, late in the evening. I headed slowly to YMCA in Brickfields. 7.30pm. I reached just in time, I parked and took the lift up to the 1st floor where the emergency meeting was held. As I walked into the room, I willed myself... not to let go, not to give up our rights - 10th KL rights to the position of 1st Runner-Up. No matter what it took, I am going to hold on to my stand that judges decisions are final. I prepared myself for a long night ahead. 

Meeting started. Everybody took turns to share. There was slight tension. People were careful not to step on each others toes. I gave my opinions. I even told them this meeting was a waste of time. I was honest. I spoke my points clearly. 

Some suggested to re-watch the drill videos but since it will take up lots of time, quite a number were against it. And then it started a whole long discussion again. 

Then Kenny, KL State Full Time Officer dropped the bomb on us. He and Terrence re-look into the scores and they discover there were slight miscalculation of marks. 

Now, it was a total different scenario. We were not meeting become someone appealed and we had to solve this but this... this was a change in directions. We had to decide if we wanted to follow the old scores or the new ones, and also what we do about it. 

Then, they started talking about a rematch... another day, another competition, 4 companies. 

And then it came. Slowly creeping into my mind.. unaware, unwelcome. A thought, a scary thought, a knowledge, a feeling. I knew what I had to do. I thought about it... I prayed... I spoke to Andrew, I called Ka Weng. I asked God for confirmation. Deep down inside, I felt it. I knew it was the right thing to do. No matter how much I tried to fight it, to hid it, to push that thought away. It stayed. 

God answered me. I felt His peace. 

I went back into the meeting room with my stomach churning knowing that its going to be difficult. When I announced my decision, I felt a huge burden lifted off me. I could see the grateful faces. I felt the relief and the gratitude just flowing out and filling the entire room. 

Within 5 minutes of my announcement, the meeting was over. 

I walked out of the room with a heavy heart - even thought it was the right thing to do, it wasn't any less painful or easy. But I believe that God is with us - 10th KL and He will bless us even more. 

I had given up our rights. 

Our rights as the 1st Runner-Up and to represent KL State in the national competition. 
We lost. It was fair.

A number of captains and officers told me after that I was brave, that I was great, that I made the right decision. Actually I did not feel any of it. 
All I had on my mind was "Yay! Meeting is over so early!!" :p


I know some of my officers do not agree with what I did. Yes, I have considered the feelings on the members. Yes, I know its going to hurt. Yes, I know that its going to be difficult. Yes, I know its our right. Yes, I know that its the 2nd time this happened to us.Being a captain doesn't make me less human with less feelings - truthfully, I believe it makes me even more. Because as a captain, I bear the entire company on my shoulders and in my heart. You feel hurt? You feel disappointed? Times that with the number of members in the company. That is how much I feel. 

I do not blame anyone. It was an unexpected outcome. It was nobody's fault. You want to get angry at someone? You want someone to blame? Do it to me. I will take the blame. I rather it be directed towards me then towards other people, who I believe is not at fault. You say that I am weak, that I made the wrong decision, that I should lash out at KL State. But you know something, I won't. All I feel is sorry for you, and that make me hurt even more. 

 All I can hope is, one day, you'll understand what I did. 

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