July 31, 2019

A New Season

Tomorrow is a big day for me. I am finally heading back to work, with proper working hours, and colleagues and all that, after almost 10 years of leaving the corporate life. I need to state that this wasn't the plan. I mean I did think about working or even doing some business, but it was in the future. Not now, now. But things happened and as a family we decided this is our best option, for now. This is the season of our lives.

It all happened within a week. 

So what's going through my head at this point. It's almost midnight and I need to be up in about 6 hours. *groan* I am kinda excited yet terrified at the same time. I'm looking forward to seeing what I can do after being a mother for the past 4 years. Yet at the same time, so much worries is going through my mind. 

Part of me also questions our decision on giving up our current lifestyle. We are doing great. Living a simple life with ample time to do what we want. Now this, what I am going to do is rocking the boat. A total change in lifestyle, a total change in routine, schedule, activities, everything. 

Oh well, I am jumping in head first and trusting God to guide us as we go along.


Well, hubs is gonna take over for now. Will see how things proceed. 

October 9, 2017

Recipe for the Perfect Kid

Both kids are asleep, Rockstar is out 'yamchaing' and I am home munching on homemade banana cake. The banana cake was truly a surprise. Right before bedtime, I found the two brown bananas sitting on the shelf and decided to do a quick banana cake to save them. I was half way through mixing them when I realized I did not have an eggs in the fridge. A quick google and I substituted it with vegetable oil, crossing my fingers and hoping it will not turn out too oily. Since one bub was already cranking and fussing, I quickly mixed everything and threw it into the oven. And it turned out well, better than I expected. Not oily, and extra crunchy. Which made me think about life the last couple of days. 

Being a mom is confusing. One minute, I am a sucker for research and books and articles, and the next I just give up and go with whatever works. It's tough being a mother. I wish there is but no, there isn't one handbook or recipe that gives you a perfect kid. There is no 'here follow this step by step and your kid with turn out a decent human being'. 

When I just became a mom, a read and watch hundreds of videos, articles, books on how to mother. And I did try to follow, I did try. Google became my best friend and whenever I wasn't sure about anything, I googled. But when the second one came, time was a commodity which I did not have. So I did whatever I thought was OK. And you know what, I believe that it is alright. Sometimes I try to do what is proper, but sometimes things does not work out and it is ok to just make do with whatever I have. 

For example, bedtime. Sleep train or not. Every since they were born, my kids have a bedtime routine, but they do not sleep at the same time every night. For the past 2 years, our family have been back and forth across the globe, went through so many different time zone and back. I struggled with bedtime. I struggled a lot. I wonder why other kids are so easy. I wonder what am I doing wrong. But just recently, I realized that it's not working for us. Yes, I do want a schedule and routine. Yes, I do want to sleep train but that can wait. Because that won't work for us now. And the more I try to fight it, the more stressed I become. So for now, I will just go with the flow. Some nights, if all the stars aligned, I do a little sleep training. But on some nights, I just let my bubs fall asleep on my boobs and that is ok. After all, it will be too soon when he doesn't need me anymore. 

So yes, my advise to mothers and future mothers, it's ok. Read, learn as much as you can about being a good mother. Practice them. But if they do not work for you, that is ok. There is no one recipe that creates the perfect kid. You just need to do your best. And that is all that matters. Just create your own recipe. 

October 1, 2017

I did it!

It's almost midnight and it is pouring outside. The kids are asleep. I am suddenly feeling all nostalgia and decided to blog. I am not sure if this is going to be the start of my blogging again or just a one off thing. But as of now, my thoughts and heart is telling me to. Maybe it is the combine effect of so many things happening the last few days and my kiddos are both growing up so fast. I need somewhere to remember, not for anyone else, but for me to look back one day and see how far I've gone. 

Rockstar is currently away in China and I am left alone with the 2 kids. This is the first time ever he has been away for so long. When he first told me, I was afraid. Afraid that I couldn't handle both the kids on my own. Afraid that I may lose it. Afraid of so many uncertainties. As his departure date drew nearer and nearer, I got a little bit more confident. I told myself maybe I could do this. Maybe I needed to believe in myself more. Maybe, just maybe, everything will work out. But yet, the tiny nagging voice at the back of my head kept telling me no. 

That's what motherhood did to me. It made me question my decision. It made me doubt my abilities. It made me second guess myself in all situation. It made me lose confidence in my capabilities. And the knowledge that I am no longer who I was, the strong capable adventurous person, is almost enough to break my spirit. 

But it did not. I survived. I am still intact. Rockstar is coming back tomorrow and I did it. I made it through. And even though there were help at times, I can confidently say that I can do it. And to those who say that I cannot this do this or that, know that I did. I can take care of both my kids. I can feed both my kids. I can handle 2 kids on my own. Do not tell me what I can or cannot do. 

I am stronger than what I thought I am. I am still as capable as I was. And maybe even much more.