Letters to My Little Girl (14 1/2 Months)

Dear little girl, 

Tonight, as you fall asleep in my arms, I decided to hold you just a bit longer. You have fallen asleep while suckling at my breast. As you breathing started slowing down and getting deeper, I could feel your body relaxing into mine. Your eyes fluttered and your little hands stopped exploring. I looked down at your beautiful angelic face and wondered what did I do to deserve you. 

Cut my hair off because taking care of a baby + breastfeeding + being pregnant is taking a toll on my body. 

You have brought so much joy and blessings into both your papa and I lives. You made us stronger, more resilient and more determine then we ever thought we were. You tested us beyond our limits, yet made us pushed what we thought were our boundaries. You made us laughed. You made us love. You made us better people. 

Christmas OOTD with little Ms Grumpy

2016 is drawing to an end. You will be turning 2 next year. I wondered where has time gone by. I still remember your strong active kicks in my belly. I still remember craving for McChicken burgers. I still remembered lying in bed, couldn't sleep, just thinking about how you would look like and couldn't wait to hold you in my arms. I wish time would slow down, or I could find a way to just hold on to those memories before everything becomes a blur. But another part of me cannot wait to see you grow. To be this beautiful girl you are going to be. To enjoy the world through your eyes. 

I look like a whale here but Hannah looks like a little lady. 

Tonight, as you fall asleep in my arms, I hold you a little bit tighter. As I look down at your beautiful sweet face, my heart felt full. I love you, my beautiful girl. I love you so very much. Good night. Sweet dreams. Know that you are love. 

Hannah's Update : 14 months

My baby girl is turning 14 months tomorrow!

She is growing up into such a beautiful, curious, clever, cheeky little girl. She is such a joy and blessing to people around her. [I am her mama. I get to be bias.]

Hannah and I. Taken during Rockstar's cousin wedding in Kota Bahru. 

Anyway, just some milestones and updates:

1. She is sleeping through the night. Hooray! Ever since she turned one, she has been regularly sleeping between 9-11 hours through. She occasionally wakes up, but with some shushing and patting, she usually goes back to sleep. Its been 2 months, and I'm crossing fingers it will last. She is down to 1 nap a day. She gets up about 8am, nap is between 1-5pm for about 2-3 hours. Bedtime is around 9-10pm. 

2. She eats a lot. Like 3 meals plus snacks in between. Her grandma cooks her porridge everyday and she gobbles whatever else you give her. She loves fruits, all kinds - imported, local and yes, even durians. But she quite the intelligent one. If she doesn't like something, she will shake her head and refuses to eat them. She looks at the spoon or takes a tiny bit to taste before she decides if she want to eat them. It's getting harder to outsmart her at meal times.

Hannah praying for her dinner. 

3. She can wave bye or hi at you. She just learned how to do a semi blow kiss, meaning she can put her palm to her mouth but have yet to learn how to let it fly. She has quite good hand coordination. She can pick up her puffs or food daintily and stuff them into her mouth without dropping. She can put her pointer fingers together to form a semi diamond shape. She is very good at picking small things up. Yes, that includes small pieces of unknown stuff off the floor *yucks*. She can clasp her palm together when we ask her to 'pray' but have yet to learn how to close her eyes. 

4. She can stand alone on her own but only walk supported. She loves using chairs and tables and human legs to walk around. She enjoys climbing up the stairs. She is quite the monkey, this little girl. She climbs up whatver she can like table, chairs, pillows, toys, and humans.

Little monkey trying to climb into her playpen from the bed. The first time she fell from the bed was just about a week ago. I turned my back to her to hang her towel up after her night time bath, turned back around to witness a slow motion  like slip and tumble off the bed. Besides a few minutes of drama screaming, she is all good. 

5. She is learning new word every week. Her favourite this week is mama, papa, nahnah (short for Hannah) and wahhh. She babbles only when she is in her comfort zone, like her bed or her car seat. Once in a while, I hear some new sounds coming out of her mouth and she just keeps repeating them over and over again. For example, just now right before she slept, she kept repeating "pish, pish, pish". Haha.. It's fascinating just watching her learn.

6. She is learning to express herself by shaking her head or nodding. Still not quite there yet as she still mixes them up. But she can point at things to let you know she wants something or to go somewhere. She loves going to her grandma and pointing at the door indicating she wants to go outdoors to see birds and dog.

7. She cannot dress herself yet. But she is good at pulling of her shoes and socks. She knows how to hold out a leg or hand for me to put or on remove her clothes or diapers. As for headbands, its still a love hate relationship with her. Oh well, this mama just gonna keep trying.

8. We have been trying to tell her about her new baby sibling and I don't know if its getting through. But whenever I asked her where is the baby, she will grab my shirt and pull it up. She will also give wet smacking kisses on my belly or wave hi at my belly when I ask her to say hi to the baby.

9. She is still being breastfeed. When she turned one, we were on a 2.5 weeks travel in Europe. Being on the go and outdoors means feeding time was limited. She doesn't like being under covers. So we were down to 3 times a day. But when we got home, I started getting paranoid that my baby wasn't getting enough milk aka nutrients. Pressure from family didn't help much. The stubborn me did not want to start formula just yet, so I added another feeding during the day. So we are now at 4 times - when she gets up, before her afternoon nap, after her nap and before bed time. I am not sure how long it will go on, seeing as now I am pregnant and her 6 tiny teeth are not being kind to my nipples. 

Hannah all dressed-up at Eunice sister's wedding. One hand digging for chocolates while looking at something in the distance that caught her attention. 

She loves observing and interacting with everything. She is a curious little thing and her eyes just watches everything. It's such an amazing journey to be able to experience the world through her eyes. She is growing so beautifully and I love her more every time i look at her.

Motherhood

Motherhood is not what I thought it would be. That's if I did put some thoughts into what motherhood is like beyond having cute babies. If I did know, I would have think twice. Don't get me wrong, I love my babies and would not give them up for anything in the world. But I guess I would be more prepared if someone tell me what motherhood is going to be like. Even after being a mama for almost 14 months, I still feel like I'm just struggling to stay afloat. And this is just with 1 baby. What more another one that is along the way?

Photo taken 29 days after Hannah's birth. Lanky limp hair, make up less face, exhausted body, but my heart is full. 

No one told me motherhood was this tough. Motherhood is about giving up your life and any form of self existence to a tiny human being that constantly require your attention 24/7. Motherhood is bathing with the door open and singing silly songs while your baby shouts and scream at you from the crib. Motherhood is holding your poo or pee in so that you wont wake the baby up by getting out of bed. Motherhood is putting your baby first ALL THE TIME without even thinking about it. Motherhood is worrying all the time if you are providing enough for your child or if you are bringing her up the right way. Motherhood is sleeping at an awkward position all night long so that your baby will get a good sleep. Motherhood is feeding your baby her food first even though you are feeling so super duper hungry you could eat a whale. Motherhood is rocking and bouncing your baby even though your arms feel like its going to break. Motherhood is feeling so exhausted yet napping with one eyes open and your hands holding on to you baby who is trying to get out of bed. Motherhood is getting bitten and scratch and head bumps and bruises from your active and teething baby. Motherhood is constantly having someone touching you with her dirty or drool covered hands during mealtimes all the time. Motherhood is having someone climbing all over you when you just want to sit or lie down for a rest. Motherhood is waking up and taking care of your baby no matter how tired you are or how much you want to sleep in. Motherhood is changing dirty smelly diapers without any complains at any time of the day. Motherhood is waking up at odd times at night just to check if your baby is breathing. Motherhood is feeling so sick that you just want to lie in bed all day but you force yourself to get up because your baby needs you. Motherhood is learning to eat with one hand while the other hold on to your baby. Motherhood is picking at boogers, ear wax, unknown sticky stuff or sniffing at poo filled diapers. Motherhood is screaming and crying on the inside. Motherhood is feeling like you can go crazy at times, but you just hold it all in cos there is someone who needs you. Motherhood is giving up all that you though you know for a lifetime of mistakes and trials. Motherhood is so much more than just giving birth to cute babies. Motherhood is a lifetime of commitment and sacrifices.

It's not easy being a mother. You basically give up your life for another human being. And by giving up, I don't mean dying, cos that will be much easier. You give up your life and live the rest of your life for your children and your family. I know. People tells me it gets easier. And yes, I know there are mothers out there who can still manage to have their own life besides having kids. I am trying to. To discover who I am beyond just a mother. But some part of me feel guilty whenever I have a little leisure for myself. Like I am not giving my baby my full attention. So while I struggle with balancing out time for myself and my baby and figuring out this whole motherhood thing, I'll just want to salute to all mothers out there. I know what you are sacrificing. I know how tough it is. But hang in there, because I believe we can make it work. We are strong enough. I am strong enough. 

And to all those mothers to be, don't be afraid. You will struggle, you will falter, you might despair but don't worry, hang in there. It will all be worth it. It is worth it. 

Wahhhh.....

"Wahhhh"... "wahhhh"...."wahhhh".. is Hannah's new favourite word. She picked it up yesterday while my sisters and I were chilling at my Mum's place. I can't remembered who started it but she kept repeating it over and over again with such a cheeky grin on her face. I think this may be one of my favourite too. But then I like most things she does and I'm her mama, so I am kinda bias. 

Playing with baskets and saying "wahhh"

One thing I learned early on is that babies are constantly changing and it's hard to create a habit with them. For example, bedtime. Ever since her birth, her routine have always been bath, feed and sleep. Well, you might expect her to get used to it and falls asleep easily. Yea right! Some nights, bedtime is a breeze. Some nights I just feel like pulling my hair out. Take last week for example, for 3 days in a row, she took 2 hours to fall asleep. 2 freaking hours non-stop climbing up and down, feeding or suckling, back to her crib, petting, screaming, rocking, singing, humming, praying. So exhausting. 3 days was enough. Then I decided to put her to bed earlier. Miracle. She feel asleep in 20-30 minutes. But on the third day morning, she woke up at 5.30am and only feel back asleep at 7.30am. Bear in mind that she sleeps through the night and normally gets up about 8.30am every day. Hmmm.. so the 11 hours straight sleep lasted only 2 days. Tonight, I got her to bed early too but guess what, she took 2 hours to fall asleep again. She had so much energy and kept giggling and laughing. Luckily no screaming was involved. So putting her to bed earlier is not really the answer. But to conclude, babies change constantly. I have to catch myself a lot of time from bragging that my baby is such a good sleeper, or that she sleeps through the night, or that she eats non-stop, cause she might just change the very next day. And secretly, I think its just part of babies' plans to keep their mama on her toes. 

Hannah went for her jab on Saturday and the nurse asked "Is she a boy or girl?". I do get it that people asked that just to make sure especially if the baby is neutrally dress. But Hannah was wearing a red and pink colour dress. A DRESS! And was standing 1 feet away from the nurse. And she knows my baby's name is Hannah. It's ok nurse, I forgive you. Looks like working in a pediatrician clinic have not given you the skills to distinguish between a boy or girl. 

Just posing in Tangs while papa went to pay money. 

So what else is happening. Nothing much changed on our status. We are still waiting. And I got the best husband in the world. He spend his birthday voucher buying a present for me. Thank you Rockstar 😘 I'm still feeling under the weather. Hannah got a flu and fever bug last week and spread the germs to me. So yea, please body... get well soon. 

Sleeping babies are the best. So peaceful. So angelic. 

Playing Catch Up..

Hi peeps, I don't even know if anyone is still reading my blog or why I even bother posting this up. But just today, I realized time is flying by so fast *as usual* and I got to record memories before it all gets forgotten. So yea, before 2016 ends, I am making a resolution to write something, every other day no matter how busy I may get. I NEED to do this. And to make sure if happens, I MUST not spend too much time with each post and just type whatever comes to mind. So please ignore any bad English, grammar, etc.  

Rare moment where she falls asleep in my arms. She is so independent nowadays that she prefers sleeping on her own. 

Motherhood is amazing! Yes, it is. I know sometimes I get so tired and frustrated and just want to give up but there are times, more often than I want to admit that I look down at my little girl and whisper a prayer to God for giving me such blessings. Her little grins after giving me kisses, her cheeky smiles, the way her hands reach out for me, the way she looks at me while feeding, post nap cuddles with her... so many things that I love about her. Don't get me wrong. Motherhood is not a bed of roses and there are bad or down times too, but in this post, I am choosing to remember the good times. Will keep my frustration and rants for a different post. 

Hannah is now 13.5 months and I am 22 weeks pregnant with No.2. Oh yes, I am pregnant and although the news is out, I am posting it for the first time here. Baby No.2 is unexpected and kinda an oops moment. So the story goes like this, Rockstar and I was out for dinner with his family at a Chinese restaurant when I suddenly fell kinda sick and nausea-ish. I thought I was having tummy upset cos I have quite a weak stomach. But as dinner progresses, this tiny thought keep appearing in the back of my mind. After dinner as we were driving home couldn't ignore it and blurted out to Clement, " I think I'm pregnant. I remembered feeling like this when I was pregnant with Hannah. " To cut the long story short, we stopped by the pharmacy on the way home, bought a couple of pregnancy test and I peed on the stick. Twice. Both positive. We are still feeling overwhelmed by it and I guess it still haven't really, really sink in yet that we are going to be a parent of 2 under 2, or 2 under 1.5 to be exact. I don't wanna know. All those people who are out to give advises, help, etc, please don't. Haha.. Let me enjoy being with Hannah and pregnant for a bit longer. But if you do, I won't hold it against you. I'm just trying to stay on the boat a bit longer before leaping into the water. 

Post nap pose. Sick face cos she woke up with a flue and fever. Also a rare occasion as she seldom fall sick.. 2nd time since she was born. Thankfully she is better now. 

We are still waiting for news on Rockstar work visa application. Although things are very uncertain now and we are just waiting and waiting for news, for a green light or even a red light. Just something. But still nothing yet. So the waiting goes on. Waiting time are just the hardest, isn't it. 

I guess that's it for today. Rockstar is out watching a football match and I need to catch up on my TV series before hitting the sack. Till then..